Imagine a world, where no one else but you lived. Imagine a world with no one but yourself to relate to. This would be the most boring place to be. It would be unimaginable. This explains why it is impossible to live a normal life without relating to others. It is impossible to live without relationships. Our lives revolve around relationships, whether we acknowledge it or not.
Though the term “Relationship” is well known to us, I would like us to pay close attention to its definition. A relationship is defined as a state of being connected. It is the way in which two or more people consider and behave towards each other. It is a bond that affects us directly and indirectly.
Our relationships define us and are the link between us and those around us. Most of what we do revolves around relationships. It is easy to tell who we are by how we relate to others. Relationships are to our being what time is to life. Healthy relationships build us, unhealthy relationships break us down.
How do we build great relationships? By great, I mean exceptional and worthy of emulation. The truth is that most of us don’t know that relationships take hard work. Nothing good comes without work. A great relationship does not come about by chance, we must make it happen. Great relationships are born out of making conscious decisions to give one’s best.
A relationship, just like love, cannot sustain or feed itself. It needs constant nurturing, and like our bodies we must be ready to feed it with vitamins and microelements. Just like our bodies, relationships need exercise. This could take the form of exercising good values or spending quality time together with our loved ones. We need to nurture our relationships in a healthy physical and spiritual environment. Great relationships are not simply handed to us on silver platters.
Building relationships is similar to making a bonfire, to keep the fire burning, we will need to throw wood into it from time to time. The moment we stop throwing in wood, the fire begins to die. The relationship will start to deteriorate. And differences will gradually set in. Our eyes will be opened to the weaknesses of other people. We will fail to see the good in them, because no effort is being put to make the relationship work.
“When you all get along, big problems are a small issue – but when you stop getting along, small problems become a big issue!” Richard Branson
Expecting a good relationship where we have not sown sacrifice and hard work is expecting too much. No pain, no gain. Great relationships take sweat. We must be willing to go the extra mile, to compromise and exercise our patience muscles. We can only reap what we have sown. Our relationship with others will be great only if we put in the effort to make it great. If we apply the age old adage hard work pays we will be sure to reap the benefits.
“All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” Proverbs 14:23
Relationships encompass almost every aspect of our lives. We relate to people in every sphere of life, be it at home, at work, in society etc. They circumscribe everybody whether single or married. We are all in one kind of relationship or another. This makes it a relevant topic that must not be avoided by anybody. It is not only for couples, but for all of us, young and old alike. Life principles know neither age nor barrier.
Many are the times when single people avoid books on marriage and family life, but this should not be so. They should know that the principles that lie in those books are applicable to many parts of their current lives. The bottom-line is, how we relate to our colleagues, siblings, and friends is the same way we end up relating to our spouses.
Normally, we are already in different forms of relationships with different people before we find ourselves in a marriage relationship. Relationships, marriage, and family are topics that require constant attention and investment. It is not a good attitude to avoid family matters or books on marriage just because you are not married. That is not wise. I therefore encourage all singles reading this article to invest in this area of their lives, to save themselves from preventable pain in the future.
“He that loves reading has everything within his reach” William Godwin
As long as we live, we will get involved in different kinds of relationships: from intimate, family and friendship relationships, to work relationships, relationships with neighbors etc. We are species designed for relationships. God gives a lot of what we need in life through people, that is, through our relationships. Relationships are a form of wealth. For example, in our early years we need parents or close relatives to receive all we need to survive and thrive. Another example is the help we receive from the knowledge of health professionals throughout our lives. This knowledge allows us to take care of our physical bodies from infancy to old age.
We see now that relating with others starts from a very tender age. The school systems are designed for relationships. From Kindergarten to university they interact and receive knowledge from educators, who are people they need to relate to. Our lives would be difficult, incomplete and void without meaningful relationships. We can never deny the need of relationships in our lives.
God created Adam and this was a great feat. But after sometime, God Himself noticed that something was lacking. He saw something that could be improved on. He said that it was not good for a man to be alone. It is not the best state for a person to be alone, all by himself, without family and without companions. It is not good when we are not building relationships, socializing, serving, and receiving from other people. It is not good to underestimate developing that aspect of our lives.
“And the LORD God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18
For married people, the above scripture has a direct translation. For others, it means that God has help for us in the people around us, in our neighbors, partners, etc. God is our great example in building relationships. He is a God who is interested in our relationships. God wants us to relate to other people, to build and improve our relationships and to make people better. It is our call to build up people and not to break them down. We are called not to break, but to build homes, families, and relationships.
There are basic principles of building relationships that work in all kinds of relationships. Nevertheless, there is a lot of ignorance in many people when it comes to building their relationships. This ignorance is partnered with pressure and attacks. So, we have ignorance on one hand and pressure and attacks from the enemy on the other.
Our enemy, the evil one, does not want unity. He wants disunity. God wants to build by bringing peace and harmony but Satan wants to destroy and cause disagreement. Wherever there is commotion, Satan finds a good environment to deploy his vices.
It is much more difficult to build than to destroy. We the people of God are special. We are builders. God has called us to build in unity. Nothing gets done without unity and a great sense of responsibility. Nothing gets done without building relationships. God is our father. He is a family person. God is interested in our families, He is interested in our relationships. Relationships are about team work and team building. They have the potential to bring the best results out of people.
In most relationships, the initial, acquaintance stage is always nice. We are always happy and excited to meet new people. Our conversations are often full of smiles and good feelings. We are fascinated and full of many good expectations. At this initial stage, you will agree with me that we are very positive about people we relate with. We only see the good in them, and even if we see some dangerous signs, we seem not to pay attention to them. But after some time of knowing this new acquaintance, we don’t laugh anymore. It is like all hell breaks loose.
In no time at all, reality sets in. It is at this stage that you will start seeing things you did not see before. This can be a shocking moment of confusion, frustration, and anger. You may be overwhelmed with regret for not seeing the truth and for “putting” yourself into the situation. This is when problems, discomfort, embarrassment, pressure, and blame come into the relationship. It is at this time we are tempted to act emotionally and rashly. This is the time when we are likely to make some imprudent decisions. However, thinking about things from the prospective of eternity will help us to pass this test.
Think of it like this: In eternity, there is no going back. You are either eternally in heaven or in hell. You are there forever; there is no break, no chance of change or escape. Thinking about eternity when we go through trials in life, and particularly in our relationship building, will help us during the defining moments of the crisis of relationships. This thought will give us comfort because we know that things can still change for better here, but in eternity, no way!
“Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines.” Robert H. Schuller
This thought will also help married couples to overcome the thought of getting unnecessary divorce or complicating issues during overwhelming attacks on their relationship because they understand that there is no divorce or escape in eternity. This will make them to sit down, talk, and find a solution for their ordeal. God has put eternity in our hearts now here on earth and we should start practicing it. It will help us to live simpler and to make better life decisions.
Crisis times in relationships are defining moments that will propel you forward or draw you back. When the reality stage comes into a relationship, little things will start to bother you. So, we need to overcome the little things. This is also the time to test our love. A love that is not tested is not a real love, and love is tested not in the good times but in bad times.
The reality, or crisis time, will help us to see that we are not always right. One of the reasons for conflict in relationships is thinking that we are right, and our partners are wrong. The irony of the matter is that our partners have the exact same view that they are very right and we are wrong. We as humans are self-confident, and the other side of self-confidence is seeing ourselves as always right and other partners as not right, or not always right.
So, God changes us through other people. He changes us through our relationships. Nobody will see things the way you see them, never. People are different in opinion, in taste, in style, in preference and so on. So, to live in unity and build great relationships, we need to break ourselves and start valuing other people’s opinions.
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” – Donald Miller
We will have to learn to respect other people’s opinions and see how we can attend to them. If we work on ourselves during this stage, after some times, it will become easier to forgive. You will understand that neither you nor your partner is easy to live with. This way we will learn to tolerate and cherish our differences.
Like I mentioned earlier in this article, building relationships is hard work. The whole world is gripped by evil. So, things do not work the way they should, it is only in heaven that things work perfectly. Because the foundation of the whole world is unstable nothing can be perfect here. It will never be. To seek perfection here on earth is to live in an illusion.
Creating a lasting relationship is a humbling process. Sometimes, it takes skill and blind determination to make it work. You cannot be a happy spouse if you are not humble. You will see so many imperfections, that you can go through only with humility, faith, and the love of God. It is the season of imperfections in our relationship that helps us understand each other better, we become more sensitive to each other’s needs and preferences, and we enjoy all the benefits of our relationship.
“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6
A proud man cannot be successful in building relationships. When we see a good relationship, we must know that there is a behind the scenes part. There is background work and heavy investment going on. There is a flip side of the coin to be displayed.
Relationships are not for sissies, cowards, or weak people. You have to be strong to build a great relationship. There will be times when you will feel like giving up, instead of giving in. When things are not going well, you will struggle with the pressing feeling of just giving up. This is a false feeling because it does not solve the problem. But if we pay the price of building our relationships we will go against the grain, come out victoriously and be able to enjoy them.
Knowledge is an advantage because lack of knowledge brings destruction. It is what we do not know that destroys us. The person who has knowledge is at an advantage.
“My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” Hosea 6:4a
As Christians and people of faith, we know what many people do not know. Some teenagers and young people in the church may have more knowledge and understanding than some adults outside the church. This is an advantage that we should exploit. We should pay attention to everyone regardless of age, because everyone has something to teach us.
Another key to building great relationships is not to change your partner but to work on yourself. Many of us focus on changing the other party, instead of working on ourselves. Things do not work that way. The only person you can change is you.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor E Frank
Doubt and confusion will come, they are inevitable in relationships. We will think we made a grievous mistake by entering into the relationship but the truth is those are the situations that provide an opportunity for us to change. They are learning curves for us. The weak moments of other people in our relationships provide us with tests that help us change our relational attitude. We must work on ourselves and increase our people skills constantly. We must increase our tolerance in order to be able to go through the turbulence of relationships and still come out victorious.
We are not talking about condoning sin here but about tolerating human imperfection. We are talking about tolerating different lifestyles, different understanding, and preferences. Sin must be dealt with, it must be removed from the camp, it must be removed from our relationships. It is impossible to build a great relationship on sin. Sin is destructive and it destroys everything it touches. So no great relationship can be built on sin, especially in besetting, continuous, and intentional sins. A great relationship is only possible in an environment with right values. Having said this; there will be a lot of opportunities to forgive in relationships. There will be opportunities to forgive both human imperfections and real sins, because we are all still human. But sin should not be accepted as the norm at any time in a relationship. Sin, regardless of how people see it, is always a reproach to the sinner and to the people around him. Sin is missing the mark, sin is sowing evil, it is disobeying and dishonoring God, and it has consequences, which are sometimes are fatal.
“Abstain from all appearance of evil.” 1 Thessalonians 5:22
It is sad to note that sin has absolutely no respect for titles, age, background etc. It goes around roaring like a lion, gripping with fear, seeking whom to devour. It has caused reproach and brought shame to people of all races, occupations, professions, even political and clerical figures, who are called to represent order and moral values in their societies and in the world at large. Political and clerical figures have a huge responsibility before the people they serve, as many look to them for direction. The followerships of these groups of people are either psychologically stimulated or discouraged to pursue a high moral life, depending on how their heroes are coping with sin. Sin indeed has no boundary, and this is another reason why due precautions, outlined in the Bible, should be taken to avoid preventable sins.
The wages of sin is death, something dies whenever sin is committed, so we must keep on hating sin, fighting it and running away from any appearance of sin. We should never at any time joke with sin or take it lightly. We must fight and resist it with every fiber of our being and until our last breath. We should never fall into the delusion that after attaining certain heights, especially in spiritual matters, that we are infallible. Sin is always a threat to humanity, that is, to each one of us. Usually the more spiritual we are, the more Satan (sin) hates us and the more he wants to bring us down in disgrace. The more spiritual we are, the more challenging we are to the devil, so he watches us intently, “praying” and waiting for the time when we have become over confident in ourselves, in our abilities, in our achievements, and have slacked off in some spiritual issues. Then all of this coupled with some distortion of thoughts creates an opportunity for him to launch a heavy attack that many people cannot recover from its consequences in their lifetime.
So, let us be prayerful and watchful in order not to fall into temptation. Temptation will always exist, but we can make endeavors not to sin. We should be careful so that our history of being raised in a Christian home and many years of “sinlessless,” or frustration at God for not “answering” some of our prayers will not lure us into a comfort zone, where the enemy can attack us brutally and mercilessly.
“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour” 1 Peter 5:8
The key to follow when sin is involved in a relationship is to work together to remove the sin. There is no way forward with sin present. Even if other people involved in the relationship do not know about the sin, it will still affect the relationship and prevent it from reaching possible heights. We must guard against sin in our relationships, especially in marriage and family relationships where deep trust is involved. Breaking trust in such relationships is devastating to all the people involved. So, for the sake of our loved ones, we must depart from every appearance of evil, or anything that could bring preventable pain and agony to the people we have committed our life to and connected our purpose with.
In marriage, the spouses must work together to overcome the sin in order to move on. There should be transparency and accountability, especially from the offender’s side. Lasting life lessons should be learned from the sin committed. Measures should be taken for it not to reoccur, and for trust to be won back. However, it is vital to note that it takes a lot of time to rebuild broken trust. So, couples should be tolerant and sensitive to each other during the hurting and recovering period, which might take years in some cases, depending on the transgression. There must be grounds for the person, whose trust has been broken, to trust again!
By practicing self education and self development in the area of relationship building, we are equipping ourselves to remain joyous and grateful in all the phases of our relationship. We are building the capacity to have relationships without tears, and to become better people. Educating ourselves helps us to be forewarned and be prepared for the inevitable tough moments of relationships and to go through them more smoothly, and to still be able to help other people in the future with our experience.
We need to be reminded of the fact that everybody has strong points and moments, as well as weak points and moments. There are wonderful and unique internal and external traits in every person. It is their unique qualities that make them so lovable and almost indispensable. There are also at the same time, obnoxious things in them that will sometimes make us want to throw up, run from them, and to have no desire to ever see them again. This is normal. Welcome to real life and to building great relationships 101!
We must not overreact when dealing with people with lower behavioral standards. We should try to help those who are willing to be helped, taking into account the circumstances that might have led to the formation of those habits. People with good character tend to be self righteous and judgmental. They label people with lower behavioral standards. They may have started a friendship or relationship that was good and pleasant at the beginning. However, when the imperfections start to bud, they are so shocked and disappointed, thinking that they have been deceived, that they no longer want to have anything to do with people with lower behavioral standards. And his will eventually lead to the breaking up of the friendship.
Yet, the truth is that those imperfections have always been there, there was just no light or there was not enough light, or not enough situations to make them visible. The solution to this dilemma is to know that there are imperfections in people. This will make better behaved people to build their relationships in a way that will inspire people with lower behavioral standards to overcome their weaknesses, rather than being blackmailed or torn down in their weak moments.
“It is through our relationships with others that we define the way we see ourselves.” Patrick C. Keaveny
We don’t always see ourselves wholly. It is catastrophic if we don’t work on ourselves because that means we do not see ourselves at all. With self-development and critical analysis, we become better at knowing ourselves but even then we do not always see ourselves as we fully should.
For example, if a speaker stands in front of a group, he is able to better see most parts of the people, better than he is able to see himself. May God help us to see ourselves by observing other people in our relationships. Relationships with people help us to see ourselves.
Mirrors are very important because, they also help us to see ourselves. After looking at the mirror, we are able to see what to adjust in ourselves and we quickly do that. The people around us are like mirrors by which we are constantly being assessed and tested.
The basic knowledge of the fundamental truth that people are imperfect, that they have both strong and weak traits, will help us to become better in building our relationships. And also, applying this same truth to oneself will help us to work on ourselves and be determined to build our relationships and to make ourselves and other people around us better.
People of faith and true followers of Christ, equipped with the knowledge of the Word of God can go through the stormy part of building relationships relatively smoother than non-believers. Why then do we still as Christians have problems in our relationships regardless of all the provisions we have in Christ? Why can’t we practice what has been given to us in the biblical teachings, history and examples?
The knowledge that will give us victory over all the challenges of building our relationships is the one that is above our feelings and emotions. We need emotional intelligence, emotional discipline, and self-control to become better relationship builders. It is the knowledge that has been tested, the knowledge that is able to rise above the present situations, emotions, feelings, that will help us during the troubled times in our relationships. We are always at a crossroad of making decisions in our relationships. Will we react emotionally or with wisdom?
“Where we have strong emotions, we’re liable to fool ourselves.” Carl Sagan
Relationships are important because one is too small to achieve greatness. We need people and they need us too. Sometimes, we feel comfortable alone, but in reality, we are limited. You are too small to achieve great feats on your own. Satan knows this truth, so he irritates us with the weakness of people around us, provoking us to be annoyed and to have no desire to build relationships with them.
Our goal should be to take our relationships to a level where we no longer struggle to find our place, but where we have more peace and harmony. After all the difficult stages, bubbles, and ripples, we should be able to love and accept people with a deeper understanding. We must take our relationships to the level where we value, appreciate, and accept our partners and people more than what is happening in the relationships itself, or in people’s lives presently.
“Cherish your human connections – your relationships with friends and family.” – Barbara Bush
We must be pro-relationship, pro-family. We must always uphold the values that will help us build unique relationships. This is our calling and responsibility before God and our generation. We should be an example of a good relationship builder, both in our private and societal life. We must always protect family values. We must protect our family and relationships first and then other people’s families and relationships. God is a God of relationships and there are laws and principles of building great relationships. If we live and build our relationships by these laws, we will be changed for good and we will have great and memorable relationships.
Dear reader, you will overcome insecurity, fear, egoism, laziness, and much more if you live by the principles outlined in this article. Know that you are not in your relationships just for the fun of it. You are there for a purpose, to make other people better. So lead by your example! Your relationships and family extend your life. You impact people in your relationships, and they carry a part of you with them, wherever they go. So, be enrolled forever in the school of mutual love and submission!
To build a great relationship therefore, we must be willing to:
- Make the decision to have a great relationship.
- Pay the price by giving all it takes to make it work.
- Focus on the good in others.
- Invest into reading literature on relationships, people skills, and marriage.
- Value and respect other people’s opinions, regardless of status.
- Be humble, knowing that neither you nor your partner is easy to live with.
- Appreciate our differences.
- Work on changing ourselves, rather than others.
- Guard against sin in our relationships
- Lead by example.
In conclusion, to have better relationships, we will need to become better people, better team members by continuously affirming the people in our relationships. Pray for your relationships and invest time in them by serving the people in your relationships. If we live by these recommendations, then our relationships will never be the same again, it will only become better.
You have the right to have great relationships! Go for it!
Godspeed!
3 Comments to “BUILDING GREAT RELATIONSHIPS! – By Pastor Bose Adelaja”